Punked, a Little

I’ve been making the assertion that the strip club industry is dying a long, slow, excruciating death for some time now. That’s not to say there isn’t still money to be made, not to say there aren’t individuals that still love us and shower stages with monetary appreciation, not to say that we still don’t have jackpot nights that capture the glittery decadence of the Clinton administration era. But everywhere I go, everyone in the industry keeps searching for some alternative Shangri-La Stripper Land where the money flows through generous fingers, like water through clenched fists. Once commonplace, the customers willing to donate to our breed are an endangered species.

When the economy tanked, when the Missouri legislature crippled the industry, the search moved to border states . . . Kansas, East St. Louis, Iowa. There, I overhear the same conversations: “There’s money in Alaska, when the fishing boats come in. There’s pipeline money in North Dakota. There are always spenders in Vegas.”

My general attitude has changed since I went broke. I don’t buy anything anymore, not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. I’ve purchased two articles of clothing in 2012. I don’t get facials or manicures anymore. Every penny counts, is accounted for, before it even comes into my possession. Meanwhile, the emerging standard is the bargaining customer. If a dance is forty dollars, they try to negotiate to thirty. They want us to throw one in for free. They look at the dwindling crowds in the bar and harness a buyer’s market mentality. I argue that while you can negotiate the price of a car or a five-piece dinette set, you don’t stand at theatre box offices trying to shaft the kid selling tickets for a reduced price. Ultimately, the endeavor is really insulting. This mentality suggests an underscore that says: “You’re not worth your asking price. I want to cheapen you.” In an environment like this, hustling more money out of customers requires multilayered creativity, tactical maneuvers, trenches-style. A dancer has to manipulate the contents of the wallet at the precise moment when the brain-to-penis blood ratio is skewed enough to make idiots out of even the wisest men.

Despite preparation and foreknowledge, sometimes the strategies backfire. Sometimes you get punked.

So, for example, let’s just say I’m dancing for a man we’ll call Jim. Jim seems nice. Jim pays for three dances. Jim is friendly. Jim, also, is a little person, a factor I account for, a factor suggesting that Jim perhaps has faced some obstacles in his life. A factor suggesting that because of the general attitudes of average Americans towards those of differing abilities, that Jim might be the kind of individual who has good intentions for the rest of humanity, that Jim wouldn’t do something unkind to a gal who has been nothing but nice to him, even if he’s paying her forty dollars a song. Even when I give him a 3-for-100 dollar deal.

At the end of the third dance, I turn on the charm, nestled on Jim’s tiny lap, his child-sized shoes barely poking over the edge of the couch.

“You don’t want to stop now, do you Jim? We’re just getting to know each other. One more?” I ask, the words like syrup, honey-dripping whispers from my mouth to Jim’s ear.

“No, let’s keep going,” he says. “I’ll go to the ATM afterwards.”

And so I keep going, for another three songs. And Tiny Jim heads for the cash machine as I stop to pay the ‘house’ their cut of my dances. And then I notice that Tiny Jim has, in fact, walked right past the ATM, headed for the exit door. I’m still wearing just stilettos and a G-string, stripper clothes draped over my forearm, but I take off to catch him, my long legs making strides that are at least the length of Jim’s height, long enough for me to catch the collar of his shirt just before he slips through the tinted-glass doors. He jerks away from me, laughing in a panicked sort of way, squeezing through the door. I stand on the other side of the glass, mostly naked, and watch Jim’s teeny-tiny legs shuffle in a blur as he runs through the parking lot, his head bobbing with each miniature tread. Jim runs faster than he’s probably ever run in his life, away from his tab.

I briefly consider running out after him, imagine the cinematic scenario . . . a topless stripper in heels and thong underwear hauling across the parking lot behind a dwarf who dashed out without paying her. Would I yank off a stiletto and hurl it at his head, knocking him to the ground? Would the parking lot attendants start chanting “JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!” because I can’t fathom a more Springer-esque episode than the one the universe has delivered to me just now. If the whole thing weren’t so god damned hilarious, I’d have been really pissed off.

In retrospect, as I counted my paltry winnings at the end of the night, I did get really pissed. I got punked. By a little person, no less. A dwarf jacked me for $100 that I really, truly, honest-to-god need right now. In the end, it all just seemed sad and pathetic. Even the people in our society who’ve likely been the subject of persecution of some kind or another don’t have enough respect for me to pay me what they owe me. Maybe that was the plan Jim had all along. I’ll never know. He’ll never come back. He’ll tell his friends how he heisted a hundred bones from a stupid stripper.

And this is the world I inhabit. It’s becoming the world we inhabit, because if I’ve learned nothing else in the last 15 years, it’s that the strip club is a hyper-exaggerated microcosm of the world at large. We’ve become a society of takers . . . take from whomever you can, step on the shoulders of anyone on your climb to the top, leave the world in your wake, care only for yourself, have zero respect for strangers, fuck everyone else; a dystopic, Ayn Rand-ian paradise where the individual wins and the whole world can suck it. This is the disheartening part . . . not that I got punked, not that I lost out on a hundred bucks, but that the general tone of humanity today seems so inhumane. It seems there are fewer and fewer people who possess the ability to think about how their actions affect everyone they encounter. It appears that empathy has taken a back seat to individualism. While I can laugh at the idea of me running naked through an East St. Louis strip club parking lot, nearly naked, throwing my stiletto and chasing after a little person who owes me money, the sentiment behind it hurts. Jim is the individual, like all the other individuals, taking what they can, and I’m the rest of humanity, suffocating in the wake of his tiny legs kicking up dust in his escape. And if I weren’t a writer, constantly reading metaphor in even the silliest events, this whole story would just be one I’d tell around the ghetto fire about getting jacked for a hundred bucks by a little person. But in the end, I am a writer, and everything means something.

God Don't Like Ugly, Chick-Fil-A . . . a Trenches Special Edition

For Heather and Terri, my superfans

I often take the circuitous route to get to my point, but I try to make the scenery pleasant along the way. So I do hope you, the great known and unknown readers out there in the vast corridors of the interwebs, do enjoy the picturesque, if sometimes convoluted, drive to my central proposition.

First a brief lesson on the First Amendment. Let’s look at the actual text from the Bill of Rights:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

The most crucial part for you to remember are the first five words of this unalienable right. “Congress shall make no law . . .” I keep hearing people blathering their support for Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy with statements like, “Dan Cathy has the right to say whatever he wants. That is the country we’re supposed to live in. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH?”

The Cathy supporters are correct in that Mr. Cathy is absolutely authorized to say whatever he likes in any venue, on any subject, and Mr. Cathy can be assured that Congress shall make no law prohibiting that speech. Mr. Cathy will not be arrested for saying that he defends the biblical definition of marriage. This is true.

However . . . what Mr. Cathy is not protected against is counter-speech or counteractions that reject his notion. While he is perfectly within his rights to say anything he wants, I am perfectly within my rights to say he’s a douche nozzle. No one gets arrested.

Similarly, The Jim Henson Company is perfectly within their rights to choose not to continue to do business with Chick-Fil-A. Anyone is authorized under the law to choose not to give their consumer power to an institution or business that will ultimately use some of those profits to support an anti-gay agenda (or any agenda, for that matter). The opposite is also true . . . anti-LGBT groups have exercised their right to very publically boycott companies like Disney, Microsoft, Apple,  J.C. Penney, Old Navy, Ikea, and Gap. Fair Play.

The point I’d like to get across is not a direct address to Dan Cathy. Rather, I want to speak to the people who showed up to the Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day 2012.

Dudes, what are you doing?

Seriously, what are you doing?

No one can convince me that they went to Chick-Fil-A yesterday to support a matter of free speech. No person’s right to free speech has been violated. Instead of demonstrating your support for free speech, you’re supporting the message Dan Cathy pontificated in the first place. The argument that you’re totally fine with homosexuality, but you are against the trampling of free speech is utterly fallacious and totally lost on me. I have a Ph.D. in Bullshit. Don’t try to feed me that lie you’re telling yourself.

Like I said before, Evangelical and Conservative Christians are absolutely within their rights to do this. To make a very public and televised show of support to a company with whom their values align.

But my real question is this? Why are these your values? If you identify yourself as a Christian, why would you demonstrate publically in such a way that you know your numbers will hurt other people, that will cause some excluded on-looker to see your face and see that your presence represents a message that hurts a huge population of this world? Why do you take actions that suggest a notion of supremacy over another person or group of people?

Because when I see you lined up around the block to stand in solidarity with Mr. Cathy’s message, a message that implies that those in same-sex relationships are not valid, are not worthy, are not equal, my silly little imaginative brain juxtaposes those images with black-and-white video reels of bible-abiding Christians standing in solidarity with George Wallace as he shouts into a whiny microphone “Segregation Now! Segregation Forever!”, their joyful expressions and uproarious cheers demonstrating their unity.  I see the snarled faces of young white men and women, whose anger must be shielded by an entire squadron of United States Servicemen just so nine students can go to their first day of high school in Little Rock, Arkansas. 

This is not what Jesus would do.

You tell me that the Bible tells you so, but the bible tells us lots of things. Are you Christians or are you Biblists? Those who love Christ, who choose to live their lives as Jesus lived his, cannot abide by the destructive usage of scripture to justify hatred, discrimination, inequality, or loathsome behavior against other human beings. It is not of God.

There is a dangerous history of this practice in the United States. The hand-picked, noncontextualized passages in the Bible that admonish homosexuality can easily be equated with passages used throughout the 19^th century in the United States to justify the existence and the continued practice of the enslavement of millions of Africans and their American descendants.

Passages like these: 

Psalm 123:2 (New International Version): As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, tas the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the LORD our God, till he shows us his mercy.

Ephesians 6:4-6: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart.

Ephesians 6:5:Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.

Ephesians 6:9:And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.

Colossians 3:22:Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.

Colossians 4:1:Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.

Titus 2:9:Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them,

1 Peter 2:18:Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.

I've never been accused of being particularly conventional, by any definition of the word, and the same can be said of my religious philosophy. It’s based on a five word sentence one of my classmates delivered as part of an oral interpretation exercise in an acting course. I forget the details of the story: Lorenzo had been caught bullying some other kid, and his grandma lectured him about kindness. The part that stuck with me, more than Lorenzo or any other person in the class could have possibly known at the time, was a this sentence, just five words, that rang more true than any other sermon or religious text had ever before.

And Grandmamma said: “Son, God don’t like ugly.”

All of the confusing and contradictory information in the Bible ceased to matter. I realized that ultimately, our toughest challenge is how good we can be to one another on Earth, with all of the cards stacked against us in a world mired in negativity. Can we take the raw materials we have on Earth and try first and foremost to demonstrate goodness, kindness, compassion, to perpetuate the service to others? Simply put, God don’t like ugly. And even if you don’t believe in God, it doesn’t matter. Secular Humanism doesn’t like ugly either. Lord Krishna don’t like ugly. No one likes ugly. And being the person who stands behind religion, or politics, or business as a false platform to just be ugly makes you ugly. Do you want to be the faces in the margins of those historical moments, do you want your grandchildren to ask you: “What were you doing there?” I would hope not. It’s an ugly place.

Hey Dickheads! Instructions on Effectively Winning Hearts and Minds!

I’m making a public assertion: We no longer have a democratic presidential election in this country, if we ever did in the first place. This became somewhat apparent over the last several election cycles: the debacle of 2000, the whispers of voter fraud via Diebold machines in Ohio in 2004, and confirmed instances of voter suppression in 2008. I make no secret about my liberal-leaning tendencies, but those distinctions have become so apparently superfluous to me that calling oneself liberal or conservative is about as meaningful as the difference between liking the color orange better that the color purple. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what you are unless you’re the person in charge.

What’s next? Are we still going to continue to live under the false impression that we live in a democracy? We don’t. We live in a Plutocracy, a system of governance controlled by an oligarchy of wealthy individuals and corporations. We live in a Republic. We are Carthage, we are Rome, teetering on the edge of a fall that no one wants to believe is imminent and everyone will say I’m crazy until it happens.

So in the spirit of crazy, I have a suggestion for our leaders, for the two men engaging in the pomp and circumstance of courting the American public for their votes. Now, each of the two leading parties have raised upwards of four hundred million dollars since January. A more thorough breakdown goes like this: For Obama (the Obama campaign, the DNC, and the Priorities USA Super PAC) the collective aforementioned have raised 490 million dollars. For Romney (the Romney Campaign, the RNC, and the Restore Our Future SuperPAC) the collective raised 437 million dollars. These numbers are current through the month of June, according to the New York Times.

Let’s be honest. Is there anyone out there who relies on the activities of presidential campaigns to inform their final decision on whom to select as their next leader? Do the ads really work, and is there any measurable evidence that they do? I suspect people are going to vote for whomever they would have voted for regardless of the name behind the party. Obama or Romney, Bush or Gore, Johnson or Goldwater. Pretty much everyone votes along party lines, under the false guise that the candidate is representative of their values, or business sense, or opinions on foreign policy. The answer is no, no I don’t believe that any attack ad, or commercial, or public appearance is going to persuade an individual one way or another.

Here’s my crazy idea: You know what would persuade me? Money. Those millions, nearly billions, paying for campaign stops, for attack ads, for the fight to the finish mean nothing to the average American. It disgusts me that so much money is being raised just to auction off an election and pretend that we, the real American people, have anything to do with it. How about you give it to us? Give it to your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. Give it to me, for God’s sake . . Only .001% of that total ($9,270 of 927 million) would be utterly life changing for me. I could pay the mortgage I haven’t been able to afford for three months, and still half would remain to catch up on my other household expenses. I know this is true for uncountable Americans. We are slaves to our jobs, slaves to our lives. We live in a world constructed around work instead of passion, competition instead of compassion, war instead of cooperation. I can’t imagine the powers that be actually want it this way . . . do they?

Be the change we actually need, Mr. Obama. Or, make up for that $77,000 chunk of tax money your skirted for your stupid fancy fucking horse, Mr. Romney. Here’s a secret. We don’t watch your commercials. We skip them, we smoke a cigarette, we hit mute, we go to the kitchen to forge for some comfort snack, like Munchos. We’re tired of the spectacle. We’re tired of the illusion. Demonstrate you give a shit, and I’ll start believing I matter to you, Mr. Candidate. If one of you said: You know what, let’s just give this money to struggling Americans instead of fighting for the power that will ultimately never help struggling Americans, we’d actually vote for you. We’d fight for you. If someone tried to steal the election, we’d revolt for you. Help us, for God’s sake, instead of treating us like idiots.

I’m on to you.