Hey Dickheads! Instructions on Effectively Winning Hearts and Minds!

I’m making a public assertion: We no longer have a democratic presidential election in this country, if we ever did in the first place. This became somewhat apparent over the last several election cycles: the debacle of 2000, the whispers of voter fraud via Diebold machines in Ohio in 2004, and confirmed instances of voter suppression in 2008. I make no secret about my liberal-leaning tendencies, but those distinctions have become so apparently superfluous to me that calling oneself liberal or conservative is about as meaningful as the difference between liking the color orange better that the color purple. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what you are unless you’re the person in charge.

What’s next? Are we still going to continue to live under the false impression that we live in a democracy? We don’t. We live in a Plutocracy, a system of governance controlled by an oligarchy of wealthy individuals and corporations. We live in a Republic. We are Carthage, we are Rome, teetering on the edge of a fall that no one wants to believe is imminent and everyone will say I’m crazy until it happens.

So in the spirit of crazy, I have a suggestion for our leaders, for the two men engaging in the pomp and circumstance of courting the American public for their votes. Now, each of the two leading parties have raised upwards of four hundred million dollars since January. A more thorough breakdown goes like this: For Obama (the Obama campaign, the DNC, and the Priorities USA Super PAC) the collective aforementioned have raised 490 million dollars. For Romney (the Romney Campaign, the RNC, and the Restore Our Future SuperPAC) the collective raised 437 million dollars. These numbers are current through the month of June, according to the New York Times.

Let’s be honest. Is there anyone out there who relies on the activities of presidential campaigns to inform their final decision on whom to select as their next leader? Do the ads really work, and is there any measurable evidence that they do? I suspect people are going to vote for whomever they would have voted for regardless of the name behind the party. Obama or Romney, Bush or Gore, Johnson or Goldwater. Pretty much everyone votes along party lines, under the false guise that the candidate is representative of their values, or business sense, or opinions on foreign policy. The answer is no, no I don’t believe that any attack ad, or commercial, or public appearance is going to persuade an individual one way or another.

Here’s my crazy idea: You know what would persuade me? Money. Those millions, nearly billions, paying for campaign stops, for attack ads, for the fight to the finish mean nothing to the average American. It disgusts me that so much money is being raised just to auction off an election and pretend that we, the real American people, have anything to do with it. How about you give it to us? Give it to your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. Give it to me, for God’s sake . . Only .001% of that total ($9,270 of 927 million) would be utterly life changing for me. I could pay the mortgage I haven’t been able to afford for three months, and still half would remain to catch up on my other household expenses. I know this is true for uncountable Americans. We are slaves to our jobs, slaves to our lives. We live in a world constructed around work instead of passion, competition instead of compassion, war instead of cooperation. I can’t imagine the powers that be actually want it this way . . . do they?

Be the change we actually need, Mr. Obama. Or, make up for that $77,000 chunk of tax money your skirted for your stupid fancy fucking horse, Mr. Romney. Here’s a secret. We don’t watch your commercials. We skip them, we smoke a cigarette, we hit mute, we go to the kitchen to forge for some comfort snack, like Munchos. We’re tired of the spectacle. We’re tired of the illusion. Demonstrate you give a shit, and I’ll start believing I matter to you, Mr. Candidate. If one of you said: You know what, let’s just give this money to struggling Americans instead of fighting for the power that will ultimately never help struggling Americans, we’d actually vote for you. We’d fight for you. If someone tried to steal the election, we’d revolt for you. Help us, for God’s sake, instead of treating us like idiots.

I’m on to you.